I need to make some changes.


In myself.


I have some behaviors I need to tweak, and some issues I need to silence.


It's the year of change. For the good. We are clearing the house of clutter physically, and I need to do so with myself mentally.

I've struggled with fear and anxiety off and on for years. Some years I was The Champ. Some years I was The Gimp. I feel like I'm in my head A LOT lately. It's a cycle. The worry tampers with this portion of my life, which alters this portion, which inevitably fucks with this portion....

I have an irrational fear of illness, and I don't really understand it.
Well, it's a control thing. The unknown. Unbearable to me sometimes.
I'm a mother. I shouldn't go into a panic because of a typical kid illness.
And I do. I need to nip that shit. I need to figure out why and work it out.
Because I think I'm just getting worse. Maybe?

I need to work on me, to be a better me. I need to go to school and stop being afraid of it. To stop thinking I won't have it in me. To stop assuming I can't take on that role after being MOM for so long (but I question it endlessly - how do I shut off my brain from MOM to STUDENT?) How do I do homework in my home? Study? Where? Like...really...where?

I'm not special. People have done it with less and worse.

Then there is the shit with my Dad......

Is this the I'm 40 and Shit Has To Change Phase?
Is this the Lots Of Crap Has Gone Down and It's Overwhelming Me at the MOment?

I have to stop thinking so fucking much. Worrying so fucking much. Being anxious so fucking much.

I'm feeling way too lonely and scared these days, and I have to rise above.


I know I've got cabin fever and boredom right now. Been on Constant Worry since Thursday night (when Gabe came down with swollen glands, body ache, etc.) and it hasn't stopped. I need a release and I'm not getting it. I just stay anxious and try to make like I'm not.

I want it to stop.

Jill says:

• 22:16 Celtics won! Had a blast seeing the johns @ the north end. Bak @ hotel. bed soon. #
• 08:09 Final trip to dunkin donuts. Packin up & will chek out soon to head into downtown boston 4 sum wandering b4 i fly home. #
• 10:39 Walkin thru historic boston on the way to chinatown. #
• 14:08 Boarding my flight to raleigh in about 10 min. Will hit austin by 9pm. This has been great. Au revoir, boston! #
• 17:17 Just saw a pilot walk by that looked like huey lewis. 2 hr flight to austin comin up, then i am hooome. I am stoked 2 c all my boys! #

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Jill says:

• 08:07 Omg! 3 stooges on channel 38-still!-just like when i was a kid! Diner breakfast today. Cant wait 4 corned beef hash! #
• 16:11 In irish bar-downtown boston-watchin celtics playoffs game b4 we have our italian feast in the north end. Aw hellz yes. #

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Jill says:

• 19:49 Full bellies chillin in rm. 608. Mad libs may occur. Beer yes. #
• 22:14 Lots of fun movie talk tonight. Celtics lost. In my very comfy hotel bed, ready to call it a night. #
• 22:19 Kinda cool to see some of the same old newsreporters on tv, like susan wornick. #
• 22:33 The hotel has been taken over by masons, keepers, the order of the eastern star, & elderly women in decorated gowns. #
• 09:05 About to head to the ocean! Yah dood! Chowdah awaits! #
• 09:27 Cherry red convertible mustang rental cars are the shit! #
• 14:34 Beach. Gorgeous weather. Top down. Nice drive. Best seafood eeever! This has been a great great day! Movies tonight. #
• 17:20 Goin to new hampshire tonight for the flick. Watchin the sox game & gettin ready to go. #

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Jill says:

• 19:39 Fish & chips in irish pub w/ theda + scott! yaaaahoo! #
• 10:03 Dunkin donuts brkfast. That is bliss. Heading over to movie set soon-woonhoo-my hotel bed rulz! #
• 13:28 On the set. Just had lunch w/ cast & crew. About to see a scene get shot. Good shit. #
• 15:38 Set day fun. Jennifer garner, sweet. Ricky gervais, funny. Making plans 4 tonite. #
• 17:26 Thai food tonite. Tomorrow is girl adventure to the ocean. Yaaaay! Rain or not, we are goin! #

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Jill says:

• 07:02 Leavin 4 the airport shortly! #
• 08:05 Gate 13! My fave number! Its sunny too! #
• 10:28 Nice flight to dallas. Eatin a muffin and waitin @ the gate...whee! #
• 11:15 Holy shit! Friend from high school who i havent seen in 20+ yrs is an attendant on my flight! Wtf! We are floored! #

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Jill says:

• 11:02 Testing. Testing. Is this thing on? I hope I can figure this crap out. It's Zero_madre. #
• 11:08 My 1st phone tweet #

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zero_madre says:

• 11:02 Testing. Testing. Is this thing on? I hope I can figure this crap out. It's Zero_madre. #

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